He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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