billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
