no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
