an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
