I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
