I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
