I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
