I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
