As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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