its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
