She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
