I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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