I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
