I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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