My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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