saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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