Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
