They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
