I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
