i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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