I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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