Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
