When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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