I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
