stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Randomize
