What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
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