i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
