We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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