I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
