twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
