Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
