Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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