tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
