I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
