I'm eating all of the evidence.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
