before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
