This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
