Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Fuck me I smell like cheese
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize