Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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