i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
