i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
His hands were made for my vagina.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
