i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize