I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize