Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
