My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
