Soap is not a condiment
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
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