dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
