It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
