But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
