I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
