He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
