i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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