I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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