we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
