I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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