Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
