I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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